August for my family means two kid’s birthdays, a dog’s birthday, my wife’s birthday, and our wedding anniversary. It’s a full month. Back in 1993, though, August was merely my wife’s birthday and our anniversary. That particular year it was the first birthday of hers that we would celebrate as a married couple. I determined to try my hand at buying her a new dress and taking her to dinner.

Twenty eight years into marriage it is still awkward perusing the women’s section for a piece of clothing. In 1993 I was petrified. My eyes scanned the department store’s carousel racks while they also hovered over faces of women who might be smirking at my strange locale. I found an all white dress and started to the register when, somewhere in the back of my cerebellum, a thought entered. Richard Buckner’s Gauzy Dress in the Sun had yet be written, but somehow I knew a white dress backlit was taboo.

A silent sigh slipped through my nostrils as I approached a young lady hanging clothes back on a rack. I had no idea how to buy a slip. “Can I help you?'“ “Um. Yeah. So. I think I need a slip for this dress. Is that right?” I courageously stammered. “Sure. I can help you with that,” she said with a ton more confidence than I had. “You’ll need a full length slip. What size is she?” I knew the answer to that question. I had just picked out the dress. “Size 4.” I was gaining confidence. “Not the dress size. Her cup size” she returned. Have you ever poured Coffee Mate powder creamer over a lit match? It vanishes in a ball of flame. That was my confidence. I had no idea what her cup size was and didn’t really feel like talking about it in public. I must have had visible soot from the flame all over my face. This kind and attractive young clerk then asked the unthinkable. “Is she my size?”

How are you supposed to answer that question? For one, there is no way to not look at her size. Once drawn in to the vortex you have to give a response or stare pondering for too long. If you say, “No. She’s much larger than you,” you’ve offended your help. If you reply, “No. She’s much smaller than you,” then you have probably lingered too long already.

At that point I just wanted to leave the store to save embarrassment no matter what the cost of the slip so I answered, “Yes. About your size,” while looking directly into her eyes. Dress purchased I stumbled dazed through the automatic mall doors and to my car.

The evening arrived. I laid out the dress on the bed to surprise Holly when she arrived home. She was surprised . . . probably more in the fact that I would risk purchasing a dress than at the actual dress itself. “I’ll go turn out the lights so we can leave for dinner, “ I said. Actually, I left the room so not be around if it were an awkward fit. She walked out in the dress. “It fits perfectly. How did you know what to buy? Thank you so much, honey.” “My pleasure, babe. It was nothing.”